Have you ever yearned for something that you haven’t missed in a while? Have you ever just all of a sudden felt your soul cry out? Today I woke up like that, it has been a long time since I have experienced a craving that deep.
I started losing myself about a year and a half ago. To this day I will never know what happened to me or where I lost myself. I lost myself in a place that could never be found by myself or human hands it would seem. I didn’t know how to come out of the endless fog that always swam around my brain. The never ending unfocus and blurriness of a day, going to bed without remembering anything of that day, not the meaningful conversations, prayers, laughs, smiles, sorrows, nothing. I have become so dead on the inside that I lost all sense of reality. There would be sparks of joy throughout my life, family, boyfriend, friends but that didn’t stop the hole that was being created in my soul until this morning.
I can still feel myself in a daze looking for the next thing to distract myself with, but I woke up differently. Even just writing this blog is new and different again. Something is shifting in my heart and soul, something is waking from deep within and honestly I am terrified. I am petrified to lose this feeling. I want this craving to be longing deep in my heart and soul again. This speckle of light that is trying to make its way to the surface once more. How is it that even just fifteen minutes in God’s word can create such a light once again. How is it that I have not been remotely close to feeling this satisfied in the world.
When is this cycle going to break when I try to get all my satisfaction from this world!? I want my soul to once again burn bright and fiery with passion for Christ.
“God was after so much more from me. He was after my soul. The deeper place where God wants to ease the hunger of our souls can only be accessed when we are stripped of the cheaper, temporary sources of nourishment” -Lysa TerKeurst